I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
