my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
