Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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