I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
