I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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