watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
