Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
