he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
