Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize