checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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