my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
