I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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