i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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