she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
