I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Found the puke drawer
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
