lets start a swedish sibling band together
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
