The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm too high and old for this...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
