planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
