so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
