I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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