Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
