"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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