So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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