What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize