Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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