my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
