planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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