She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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