I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
