Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
