Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
