thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
