Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
