No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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