matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
