the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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