So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
