I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
