There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
