eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
