wanna go halves on a baby?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
