drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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