He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
