Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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