Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
50% drunk capacity currently
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
