I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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