He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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