By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
