I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
