Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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