my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
