1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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