so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
