apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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