i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
