i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
