Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
