The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
