Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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