I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
